Purpose...

Purpose. What is our purpose for this life? For as long as I can remember I wanted to get married, have kids, and live happily ever after in my big house with my perfect little family.

When I first met Alex, I believed that would be my future. Here standing before me was a wonderful man of God filled with so much love. He was my kind of perfect. We became friends. We dated. We fell in love. We got married. Everything was going according to plan. I really had it all! Smokin’ hot husband with the bluest eyes on Earth! My dream career! My big house! All that was missing was little children to fill it with. 

We started planning for children in April 2017. We started being less careful and more open to the possibility of starting a family. We really wanted to wait until our 1 year anniversary, but we thought “What the heck. If it happens, it happens. It was God’s plan.” The very next month we found out we were expecting our first baby. 

We cried when we found out. I don’t think we had ever been so excited! Of course I immediately started planning how we were going to tell everyone, what his/her name would be, what daycare he/she would go to, and what kind of parents we would be. I started planning a nursery for either a boy or girl. We felt so lucky to be able to be parents to this wonderful blessing. Unfortunately, God had other plans. In September, my body stopped doing what it was designed to do. My body failed me. My pregnancy ended; and this perfect little girl that we were preparing for came 19 weeks too early and did not get to come home with us.

Our hearts broke. We broke. We were not sure how we would ever overcome such heartbreak. We stood together hand in hand and continued on through life. 

Purpose? What was my purpose? Here I am. A woman. A woman with a body that sucks. A woman with a body that could not do the one thing it was designed to do. I failed. My body failed. What was my purpose?

Months went by. The grief was strong. My heart began to heal. My husband was my rock and God was always so present in our life. We prayed so much. We prayed for our future as parents. 

In February we were finally ready to start trying for baby number two and by the grace of God by April I was pregnant! Maybe I wasn’t a complete failure. I was happy. I was scared. So many emotions. What if something went wrong. We went to the doctor and everything was looking great. We went back 2 weeks later, and nothing had changed; the baby didn’t grow and she couldn’t find a fetal pole. My worst fear was coming to reality. The doctor did not want to confirm it, so I waited another long week and again nothing had changed. Here we go again. I failed. My body failed. This precious baby didn’t have a chance to even grow. My heart shattered. 

Purpose? I couldn’t find it. I thought my purpose was to raise children, but I was wrong. What am I here for? 

I put on a mask and pretended to be okay. I cried one time for this sweet baby, then I just continued through life. Not many people knew about this baby. Not many people knew the pain that I was holding deep inside, so I masked it. I did not want to appear weak. I did not want to feel their pity. 

We named him/her Kolbe. He/she deserved a name. He/she deserved to live. He/she deserved our love and that is all we could truly give him/her.

I needed to address my pain head on. I needed to let someone know what I was feeling. But I just asked my family to not bring it up or talk to me about it. I told them I was okay. I even told Alex, “This is nothing like the pain I felt for Kyleigh. I didn’t have time to get to know this baby.” But that was a lie. The pain was just as strong. I loved this baby so much the moment I saw “pregnant” on that pregnancy test. I loved this baby so much.

Baby Kolbe was due December 17, 2018. While he/she didn’t have much time on this earth. He/She is remembered every single day. We love him/her. And he/she will always be our second born baby.

Today, I should have a baby in my arms, but my arms are empty. I lay in bed wondering what God has planned for my life. I am in a different place. I am hopeful, but at the same time I am scared. I still yearn to be a mother to a baby on Earth, but I accept God’s will. I have come a long way and pray every day. I can smile. I can laugh. I will never “move on,” but I will get through life and be happy because I know that God, Kyleigh, and Kolbe want what is best for me.

I don’t know my purpose. I know that I am instrument of God and He has called me to be a positive example to the many children I work with. For now, that is my purpose. I love my job. I love my students. I want a baby, but until then, I will love the children He has given me through work. Those kids need me right now and I will trust in his plan.

Purpose? Our purpose changes according to His plan. I will accept it as I go through life. I will never stop praying. I will never stop hoping.

JESUS, I TRUST IN YOU!

"I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I’m not enough
Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up
Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low?
Remind me once again just who I am, because I need to know."

-Lauren Daigle "You Say"

We Are Not Alone

September 20, 2017 was the first day of the worst season of our life, but it is also a day filled with hope. Hope? How does that make sense when it's the worst?

The pain is still so raw and real. It was only 2 ½ weeks ago that we lost our little girl and it has been a roller coaster of emotions. We are broken. We are in pain. We don’t understand. But, we feel comforted by our support system. We feel happiness knowing that our Kyleigh only knew love. We feel hope that our baby girl is in the arms of her Creator.

The drive to the hospital on September 20 is a huge blur. The only thing I remember from that almost 30 minute drive is the lyrics from the song as we pulled out of the gate of our subdivision. They said,

“Oh, how you’re weary, from fearing you lost control
This is the one thing, you didn’t see coming
And no one would blame you, though
If you cried in private
If you tried to hide it away, so no one knows
No one will see, if you stop believing

Oh, my soul
You are not alone
There’s a place where fear has to face the God you know
One more day, He will make a way
Let Him show you how, you can lay this down
‘Cause you’re not alone.”

Casting Crowns "Oh My Soul"

In that moment, I knew my little girl would not be coming home with me. I dreaded getting to the hospital, because I already knew in my heart what was awaiting me. Throughout the course of the next couple of days I kept being reminded of those lyrics. I could not remember what song it was, I just remembered the message I got from it. I kept telling myself, “I don’t know why this is happening, but God is in control and I am not alone.”

Yesterday we heard that song and the emotions of that night came over me all over again. I am hanging in there. The wound is still wide open, but I am grateful that my parents instilled in me faith and I am even more grateful that God blessed me with an amazing husband whose faith is just as strong. We are not mad at God. We are thankful that we were blessed with this perfect little angel, who is the product of our love for each other through God.

This is our toughest season yet, but we are still able to see God's presence. God’s arms are surrounding us. God’s love is showering over us. And even though we are in the middle of this chaos, we are surviving because of God. We are not alone!